Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
