I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
