Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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