she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
