I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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