I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
