i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
