we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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