I wish I could teleport
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
