you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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