I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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