lets start a swedish sibling band together
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
