they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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