I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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