Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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