I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
