Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
