I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
