I accidentally had phone sex last night
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
