i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
