Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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