4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
