apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
