im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
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