You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
