I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
