I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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