next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
