I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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