So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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