Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
