I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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