Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
