the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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