This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just invented taco cereal.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
