If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
