im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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