apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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