It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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