I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
