I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
