No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
