absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
