i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
