so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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