she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
