I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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