and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
