he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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