My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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