I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
