Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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