I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
