Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
